From “I Am” to “I Feel” — A Small Shift That Changes Everything
Why Our Self-Talk Matters
Our inner dialogue is powerful. The words we use can either trap us in shame or open up space for self-compassion.
Think about the running commentary so many of us carry throughout the day:
“I should have spoken up in that meeting.”
“I can’t take a break because everyone else is still working.”
“Why can’t I figure this out while everyone else seems to have it together?”
One client once described it as living with a “tiger parent” in their head — a voice that barked constant criticism, doubts, and warnings, all under the guise of motivation. But instead of inspiring action, it wore them down. The more they listened, the heavier they felt, until even small tasks and decisions became overwhelming.
Why Negative Self-Talk Becomes Our Default
For many of us, harsh self-criticism is learned early. As children, we were often evaluated in sweeping, global terms: “You’re lazy.” “You’re careless.” “You’re too sensitive.”
Over time, these labels sink in as if they describe our entire identity rather than a single moment or behavior. When we repeat them to ourselves, a passing state — like procrastination or lack of motivation — gets rebranded as a permanent flaw.
This pattern fuels shame, perfectionism, and anxiety. It can also trigger what psychologists call emotional flooding: a rush of self-criticism so intense it leaves us shut down, overwhelmed, or eager to avoid the task entirely.
Here’s the key difference between criticism and what I call a mindful statement:
Criticism attacks character: “You’re lazy.”
Mindful statement describes the situation: “I feel frustrated when the dishes are left undone.”
The Power of “I Feel” Statements
Think about the difference between saying:
“I am lazy.”
“I feel lazy.”
At first glance, it may seem like a small distinction. But in therapy, I’ve seen how this subtle shift in language can dramatically change the way people relate to themselves — and how much lighter they begin to feel.
Why does it work?
It describe the temporary state: Feelings come and go; they don’t define you.
It’s specific: It describes a state in the moment, not your whole identity.
It creates choice: Once you name the feeling, you can decide how to respond.
Even more powerful is expanding it into a 3-part structure:
Name the feeling. “I feel unmotivated.“
Name the situation. “I feel unmotivated about starting this report.”
Name what you need. “I need to break it into one small step to get moving.”
This simple practice transforms self-criticism into self-awareness and self-support.
Why This Matters for High Achievers
High-achieving professionals — including many Asian and Asian American clients I work with — often wrestle with especially harsh inner critics. Common thoughts include: “I’m lazy.” “I’m not smart enough.” “I’m behind.”
At the root, these are learned patterns of thinking. From a young age, many of us grew up in environments where worth was tied to performance. Praise came only after achievement: a perfect grade, an award, exceeding expectations. Mistakes weren’t just corrected — they were tied to identity. Instead of “You didn’t study enough for this test,” the message became: “You’re careless.”
One client once shared that when she rested — even for a few minutes — she heard her mother’s voice in her head: “Other people are working harder while you’re wasting time.” Her mother wasn’t trying to harm her; she believed discipline was the key to success. But as an adult, my client couldn’t rest without guilt. Whenever she slowed down, her inner critic whispered: “You’re lazy.”
This is how negative self-talk takes root: cultural expectations, family criticism, and high-pressure environments all teaching the same lesson — that a momentary struggle equals a permanent flaw.
A Practice You Can Try Today
The good news? These patterns can be unlearned. Here’s a simple practice you can begin right now:
Notice when you use “I am” in a critical way.
Example: “I am failing.”
Reframe with “I feel” + situation.
Example: “I feel discouraged about how this project is going.”
Add a need or solution.
Example: “I feel discouraged about how this project is going, and I need to ask for feedback to get unstuck.”
By shifting from identity-based criticism to mindful description, you create distance from shame, interrupt emotional flooding, and give yourself a clear path forward.
Changing how you talk to yourself isn’t about ignoring reality. It’s about unlearning automatic self-criticism and practicing a healthier language that builds resilience. When you shift from “I am” to “I feel” — and add what’s happening and what you need — you create space for self-compassion, growth, and choice.
Pei-Han Cheng, Psychologist
Dr. Pei-Han Cheng is a psychologist specializing in Therapy for Asian Americans, Couples Therapy and Therapy for Parents. She see’s clients virtually throughout New York and Oregon. She has been featured in Psychology Today, Monster, Refinery29, and Clinical Case Studies.